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International Counselor, Leech Therapist, Master of Body, Mind and Spirit
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leeches leech mehdi leeches therapy Male and Female Roles in Relationships by mehdi jaffari

Male and Female Roles in Relationships

Since time immemorial, romantic entanglements, love affairs, couplings, and relationships, have had specific gender roles that has lived on upto this day and age of technological advancement.

No matter how much our world is run now by technology, there are a few things in it that will remain unquestioned and unchanged – roles each partner plays in the relationship. When two opposite sexes are attracted to each other, it is usually the female that gives out a signal that the male can come forward and introduce himself.

As in the animal kingdom, the courtship stage in any relationship is pretty much the same. Female gives a signal, male follows. Sometimes, the female of the species does not give out a signal but the male still pursues her. It’s all part of the courtship stage and the male could either win a yes or get a no from his love interest.

Courtship is where two people find out if they want to further the relationship and give their commitment to one another. It is also where both parties find out if they are better off not having a second or third date afterwards.

The Role Perspectives

From the viewpoint of the male, there are certain things that are expected of him regardless of whether these were suggested or hinted at. Chivalry is not an outdated male role no matter how advanced everything is today.

Women still appreciate their partners opening the door for them, pulling up their chair, carrying their stuff, and even driving them to wherever it is they have to go once in a while. A well-mannered gentleman is someone for keeps while a callous, cocky partner is more often just someone good enough for now – that is, until a better man comes along.

On the other hand, men appreciate women who are well-poised and carry themselves well. This is not to say that you have to live like someone from the Victorian Age and have impeccable manners suited to royalty. But, a well-bred woman is someone a typical man wants to bring home to meet his parents.

Believe it or not, some men mind if their current flames have had more boyfriends than they can count on one hand. This is part of the male ego working here – men wanting to have exclusivity over what they think to be their territory.

Women don’t mind this very much, just as long as they will be the last woman their partners will ever want to be with for the rest of their lives.

Great Social Expectations

In social norms, there are gender roles that have pervaded relationships since Adam and Eve came into being. Such norms include the belief or practice that it’s a man’s responsibility to provide for his family and that a woman should stay home to take care of the children. Then there are the lesser expectations (but nonetheless equally important) beliefs or practices such as men paying for dinner dates (i.e. meals whenever the couple dines out) or women waiting for the guy to ask them out. Heaven forbid a girl should ask a guy out! What will people think?! These and other things like it run through the minds of men and women in courtship.

Today’s society is no different from that of long ago in the sense that should someone break certain social norms, no matter how outdated they are, society will scoff and jeer at him or her.

For instance, if a woman who is successful career-wise fails at her marriage, she will probably feel the brunt of society’s disapproval. Society will be quick to point an accusing finger at the woman instead of looking at both parties involved and their individual faults (or lack thereof) in their family issues.

Men who prefer to stay home and take care of the family, on the other hand, are not exempt from society’s judging eyes. Men are not supposed to stay at home and take care of the children; that’s the role of the mother. Men are supposed to work and bring money home, right?

Wrong!

What Matters Most

Two individuals who are happy about themselves and are fully capable of nurturing a happy and healthy relationship with their partners will find out that, in the final reckoning of things, they dictate what will make them happy.

What matters more is how each partner is happy with the relationship and with their own personal growth. No matter how much society scoffs at people who dare to be different; society is still basically a bystander. It will not be society that will suffer the consequences should a relationship go downhill because of unmet societal expectations.

Yes, there are male and female roles in every relationship. The choice of particular roles, however, remains the choice of each partner. A man and woman can go with the flow and just follow where society leads them – everyone else is doing it so why shouldn’t we? However, they can also make up their own roles and relationship rules – after all, it is their relationship and no one else’s.

Roles in the relationship have a purpose. They give each partner a specific responsibility and thus help prevent significant disagreements in the future. However, it is not right to blindly follow what has always been if either party does not agree.

If you’re dating someone, for instance, it is important to talk about who gets the check every time. The woman will probably want the man to lavish her with dinner, flowers and wine. The man probably agrees. In this case, they’ll have no problem. However, if the woman believes in paying for her meals and the man believes that a woman should do so (even once in a while), then there should be no reason why the two of them can’t agree to go Dutch.

If you are living with someone, there should also be a discussion of who pays the bills. If both parties are in agreement that the man should work and pay the bills and the woman should keep home and pay nothing for its upkeep, fine. If they agree to split the bills, that’s all right as well. The important thing is to have these things decided before getting married or moving in with each other.

The point is simple. Whatever roles you and your partner are willing to take in your relationship, you should clearly express, openly discuss and resolutely agree on them. Otherwise, arguments and relationship breakdown will be inevitable.

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leeches leech mehdi leeches therapy Relationships and You: Key to Your Success by mehdi jaffari

Relationships and You: Key to Your Success

In life, we build a lot of relationships: romantic, business, family, pet, etc. We also have a relationship with ourselves and with God, of course. The hierarchy of your relationship pyramid depends on your priorities in life. Others take their relationship with God as the most important relationship of all because here, the belief in the Divine Power is mightier than any other in the material world.

Perhaps what goes hand in hand with this relationship with God is your relationship with yourself. If you have the fullest respect and faith in God, it should only follow that you regard yourself also with respect.

In fact, people believe that when you have a deep relationship with God, no matter what your religion, every other relationship in your life works just as well. When you put the Divine Power in the center of all your relationships, even if things don’t always work the way you planned it, you do not lose faith and hope that whatever the problem is, it can be fixed.

However, relationships are not as simple as the above equation: God + you = happy relationships. It’s more like God + you + hard work + determination + compassion + respect + trust + understanding + the ability to forgive a thousand times over = happy relationships.

It doesn’t look promising now, does it? Who would want to go through all that trouble just to have good relationships with people anyway?

The Relationship Cycle

A relationship is a cycle that goes up; down, round and round, that you have to go through for as long as you’re in it. When you’re in something that’s static – no changes, no excitement, no motivational purposes, no inspiration – you can be sure that’s no relationship. That’s just you sitting beside a rock.

Life is actually just one big chain of different relationships that you have, have had, or will be having. One link that doesn’t work affects the whole chain.

So for instance, you have this great passionate and loving relationship with your partner but you have the worst kind of connection with your colleagues, who’s to say your romantic life wouldn’t be affected?

You could also be the world’s best boss but this has compelled you to be at work more often than you spend time staying home with your family. Your family life suffers but you’re raking in all the accolades and money in your professional life. Are you happy with this set-up?

God, Relationships and You

Now, say you concentrate first on the relationship that is most important to you, in this instance, your relationship with God. You’ve done everything that you’ve learned from the teachings, from Sunday sermons, and even from inspirational books but you’re still in a rut.

You don’t have money, you don’t have a healthy and loving relationship with your partner, you’re not excelling at work and yet, every single day you never forget to pray and ask for help from Above. Why isn’t this link working? Isn’t God supposed to make everything alright?

What many people don’t realize is that God is not a quick fix mechanism that you can simply turn on or off whenever the need arises. A relationship needs nurturing and care, for the partner and for your self.

If you love God above all else but do not treat yourself right, people take advantage of you; you then see this as some sort of sacrifice and you feel self-righteous. You think that you’ve been a saint, so why aren’t people kinder to you? There is no relationship here at all.

Links of a Successful Relationship Chain

How do you make the relationship chain work to your advantage so that all areas of your life are synchronized?

First of all, see the kind of person that you are when it comes to your different relationships. Do you maintain the same traits and characteristics with each of these relationships, or do you put on a different persona for each one?

Your authentic self should be the one that shines in all your relationships – “authentic self” being the one you truly are, of course. It is not a figment of your or other people’s imaginations. It’s not someone people and the society said you’re supposed to be, but someone you know to be truly you.

How many people do you know who are in relationships, jobs, friendships, and even social organizations that are just totally wrong for them – or at least, wrong in the sense that their true selves remain hidden because they are scared of being rejected?

Always, when you look at how you act in your relationships, there is an element of fear – fear of being left behind or alone, of not being appreciated, of not being promoted, of losing a job – a whole closet of fears that are often unfounded.

Remember that the other parties in your relationships are only people, too, who have their own struggles, issues and doubts. They are trying their best, just like you are. When you don’t see eye to eye with these people, it’s not your fault but neither is it theirs. You’re what you are and they are what they are – that may sound clichéd but it’s true nonetheless.

When you begin to accept that the world does not revolve around you and that, whatever you do, people will have their own opinions and no one’s going to stop them from coming up with their own conclusions – that’s when you’ll feel liberated and free to be yourself and build relationships with other people who have no problem with and actually rather enjoy who you truly are.

Relationships that are based on honesty can’t help but be genuine. They’re the sort of satisfying and fulfilling relationships that you’d want to keep. They would help you grow and succeed because you’d have the strength and the courage to take risks and dare new things. You won’t have anything to lose when you fail because your identity – your sense of self – is not based on material and superficial things like job position, reputation and popularity. If you lose your job, your reputation and your fame, you’d still be whole – and your genuine relationships with people who have accepted you for yourself and not because of what you have and what you stand for will remain standing as well.

In a nutshell, if you accept and love yourself and you have solid relationships with people who love you for yourself, you have already achieved the ultimate success. Career success, wealth, fame, and others as fleeting and temporary will be mere incidentals. They’ll be nice to have if they are available but they will not be the be-all and end-all of your life. If your life is a book, they’ll be the footnotes, not the main content.

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leeches leech mehdi leeches therapy Investing in Your Relationship by mehdi jaffari

Investing in Your Relationship

A meaningful relationship with someone can be one of the most fulfilling things on Earth. Imagine having someone you know you can always rely on to give you support when you need it, encouragement when your courage is flagging, inspiration when your motivation is lacking – and most important of all – love that is yours for the taking, with no conditions and no strings.

Some people say “a fantastic fantasy, but no more than that!” and believe that relationships like that exist in movies, in television series, novels, and in songs – but they do not happen in real life. Perhaps it is possible if you think about parents’ love for their children. In the romantic relationships or love affairs, however, they happen very rarely and only to the lucky few.

The skeptics and the cynics are right in one thing. This kind of love is rare. It does not happen often, and few people experience its wonder. Lucky indeed are those who get to experience this kind of love. However, it is not luck that determines whether you will get this kind of relationship or not.

The Ideal Relationship

Let it be clear now that this relationship is not the idyllic romance found in movies and romantic literature. This kind of relationship is not exempt from the ordinary stresses that plague other relationships. There are fights, misunderstandings, arguments, and differences. It is not the lack of all these things that make this kind of relationship special. Rather, it is how it withstands such problems and manages to come through them unscathed and come out much stronger than ever that makes this kind of relationship remarkable.

Put this way, this kind of relationship no longer looks so fantastic, does it? It is real, all right; it has all the ups and downs of normal relationships. So if relationships of this kind can exist in real life, then why are there not more of them around?

A relationship is defined by the individuals that compose it. If a relationship is strong, it is because of the individuals that make it so; likewise, if a relationship is weak, it is because the individuals in it are weak. In this case, it can be concluded that it lies within the power of the people who make up the relationship to bring to life the kind of relationship they wish to have. This shows that not only is the “ideal relationship” possible; it is also completely doable.

The Emotional Bank Account

If you want a million dollars in your bank account, how do you think you will achieve that? Naturally, you will have to set aside an amount every month and deposit this into your bank account. On some months perhaps you can spare $500 or more, whereas on other months you probably won’t be able to manage more than a hundred dollars. Notice that the more you deposit to your savings account, the faster your balance grows and the smaller the amount you deposit, the slower it grows. If your bank fails, you take out your money and run – then find another bank or an investment instrument where your funds will be actively earning interest once again.

Now, why is this short and useful but seemingly out-of-place financial advice in a relationship guide? Because parallelisms can be drawn between the million-dollar-balance bank account described above and the ideal relationship discussed much earlier.

If you want to have the ideal relationship described above, then you must treat it the way you would treat your bank account when you wish to save a million dollars. First, you need to make a deposit. You should learn how to give something of yourself to the relationship. If your partner is rather gloomy, then lend him or her some of your good cheer. If your partner needs help with his or her work, then take some time off your busy schedule and give your partner all the help that you can. If your partner needs your understanding and encouragement, offer it.

Simply put, if you want a relationship that’s worth having (in our analogy, a bank account with a balance of a million dollars), you should help it grow by actively nourishing it.

However, there will be moments when you will give much less than you can because you’re afraid of being over-invested (emotionally) in your relationship; you want to pace it so that you won’t be too heavily invested if the relationship bombs. There will also be moments when you simply have nothing to give. In such cases, the relationship’s growth slows down; the time to goal attainment – when you will have the ideal relationship – is lengthened.

In other words, the more you give to your relationship, the faster you will attain the ideal state. The less you give, the slower the process of growth and transition becomes. If you want to achieve the ideal relationship in your lifetime and with your current partner, you have to take the risk of being heavily invested emotionally and losing because of it.

Nevertheless, you should also set your boundaries. The giving can’t be just on your side of the relationship. Relationship building should be a joint effort. This doesn’t mean you have to keep a tally of what you and your partner have invested, emotionally, in your relationship. If you think you are more committed than your partner, discuss it with him or her. Furthermore, you must consider whether your perceptions are correct or not – perhaps what you think or believe to be right is based on misconceptions? Be sure to do this before you point an accusing finger at your partner.

Simply put, you need to assess the progress your relationship is making. You must also check your ideal against what’s really happening. It won’t work if only you are committed to the endeavor; and the sooner you know, the better.

If it turns out that your partner really has reservations about your relationship, withdraw your emotional investment. In other words, gather the shattered pieces of your life together and make them yours again. Make a clean break so you can heal.

Of course at this point, you may want to keep your emotions in check – hoard them to yourself so you won’t get hurt again. But if you do this, remember the kind of meaningful relationship that you’ll be missing.

Instead of doing the equivalent of keeping your emotions in an impregnable safe – secure but untouchable and not earning you any interest – you should do what any wise investor does with his money after a bank run. He holds on to it for a while and then when a viable offer presents itself, he invests his capital once again. Sooner or later he will accomplish his million-dollar savings goal.

Following the same logic, you must take the time you need to heal from your bad experience. However, you should not keep yourself aloof and closed to other relationship opportunities. Once you find something you can build on, start making the same emotional investments that you made before. Sooner or later, you will accomplish your goal and become part of the ideal relationship – the very best kind of relationship around.

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leeches leech mehdi leeches therapy : Where Do You Go From Here? by mehdi jaffari

Dating: Where Do You Go From Here?

Dating is that part of a relationship when things are just starting to blossom and everything looks rosy. You feel good whenever you’re with your partner and you always look forward to being with him or her. In fact, you terribly miss each other when you’re not together. Before you know what’s happening, you’ve fallen madly in love with each other, you feel carefree and on top of the world.

What next? Are you willing to take your relationship to the next step? Are you going to throw caution to the wind and let nature take its course?

Couples who’ve been together for a long time are often asked what makes their relationship stay strong after all the years that they’ve been together. Three answers always come up: love, compassion and unlimited forgiveness. In relationships, make-or-break issues will crop up. This is inevitable. It is both parties’ unwillingness to give up that keeps the relationship intact despite all the cracks.

What about you? Are you willing to take all the necessary steps in order to bring your relationship to the next level? If you want to go beyond dating and have a more permanent arrangement with your partner, do you have the spirit, the strength and the endurance to hold on and stay the course even through the unlimited bumps your relationship will encounter on the road?

What Kind of Love Do You Mean?

Couples who have just recently fallen in love with each other often think that their love for one another is static. They believe they have the ‘real’ thing – whatever that is – so they will be sure to have a charmed life together.

They are naïve. Love, used in this context, is not the love that lasts. It is attraction and infatuation, perhaps more intense than the usual variety, but just as superficial nonetheless. It is devoid of the depth and commitment that you find in love that lasts.

You see, true love is a verb. When you say you “I love you” to someone, you are promising “to love” that someone. It is a commitment to “to love” another person. It is active and it implies conscious decision. What are you going to do? I am going to love him or her. No matter what happens? Yes.

When naïve people say “I am in love with you” instead, then you are basically saying that I am in love with you now, but who can tell what I’ll feel tomorrow? After all, this is the static kind of love. It is love that may or may not stand the test of time. You are in love with someone because he or she is who she is right now. If the other person is no longer the same person tomorrow that he or she is now, will you still love him or her? I don’t know.

True love is a conscious decision “to love” and cherish another individual. It is not a state of being in love. Put another way, it is a commitment and a promise to be in love for the rest of your life.

Now if you have that real, committed and abiding kind of love – the love that is a verb not the love that is a state of being – then you can take your relationship to the next level.

Reality Check

Now, you may get the impression that love is blind, just as many poets and song writers have claimed. Remember that someone who promises and commits to love another person is someone who makes this decision consciously and with his or her eyes wide open. It is the “think before you leap” kind of love, not the “fly by the seat of your pants” variety. People who do the latter should not be surprised if they crash, as they almost always do.

A commitment to love, cherish and honor each other – marriage or living together – is not something you should do lightly. Before you make the commitment, you should first make sure you know what you’re letting yourself in for.

Consider everything that will be directly affected by the change in your relationship. You will have to learn how to keep the apartment neat for the sake of your partner. Your habit of leaving unwashed clothing on the floor and picking them up only when you can no longer see the floor, not using a coaster when you put a cup of coffee on the glass-top table, not returning the toothpaste to its proper nook after use – these may have to be curbed if you don’t want petty arguments. Are you willing to do that?

Your partner will also have unreasonable (at least to you they’d seem unreasonable) demands, irritating quirks and not-so-lovable traits. You’ll have someone living in your pocket and looking over your shoulder; someone whom you have to consider in your decisions when once you only had yourself to account to. Can you live with that?

Other questions you should be asking yourself includes: will I like it if I see his or her face every morning; do I see myself growing old with him or her (corny, but true); do I see myself happy with him or her despite all the things I don’t like about him or her and despite all the things I know he or she doesn’t like about me?

All these things will have to be considered before you decide to get married or live together. And only when you can still say the words “I love you” in the way it should be meant and in the context it should be said – then and only then should you take your relationship to the next step.

Notice that this is not blind love. Your eyes are open all the time. And you choose to commit in spite all of the things you know could and would go wrong.

One Final Note

One tip for all the ladies and gents out there who are thinking about taking their relationship to the next step: make sure you like talking to your partner and hearing what he or she has to say about things even if his or her opinions do not always jive with yours. A relationship between two people who don’t have anything to talk about is a relationship doomed to fail.

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leeches leech mehdi leeches therapy Building and Maintaining Relationships by mehdi jaffari

Building and Maintaining Relationships

You think you have found the one person you want to be with for the rest of your life. You are exhilarated but you are also scared. What if you mess up and do something to ruin your relationship? Are there rules you can follow to make sure you do not lose this great guy or this sweet girl with whom you are very much in love?

There are no rules. There are, however, many worthy tips about building and maintaining a relationship that you can follow. And the first of them will tell you that obsession about relationship’s rules is one of the biggest mistakes you’ll ever make if you want to build a relationship for keeps.

Be Guided, Not Ruled

If you want to build a meaningful relationship with another person, you must never, ever treat a relationship like a recipe book. In other words, do not blindly follow what any books tell you. Blind obedience is all right when it comes to recipe books; the ingredients and measurements are precise, so following the recipes will give you the intended results. In human relationships, however, there are no such constants.

Treat books (including this article) as guides to building and maintaining a relationship. However, never lose your own perspective. First of all, books are written for a general audience; they are not for you alone. In some cases, they may not be for you at all. You are an individual with unique traits and beliefs, and so is your partner.

You don’t pretend to be a helpless female and put on womanly airs when you’re really independent and assertive just because the books tell you this will “bring out the protective instincts” in your man and make him love you more. Do not act all mysterious when you’re really just bursting at the seams in your eagerness to tell him all about yourself just because the books tell you “men are enthralled by a mysterious female.”

Likewise, you don’t pretend to be all macho, invulnerable and aloof just because the books tell you “women are drawn to “strong, unattainable guys.” You don’t pretend to drive a BMW coupe and a Rolls Royce limo when you actually drive a beat-up Toyota with a beat-up fender just because the books tell you “women are attracted to rich men.”

These books may be right; but do you really want to be in a relationship with a woman who equates a guy’s value with the size of his wallet? Then, of course, what do you think will happen to your relationship when your partner finally discovers your beat-up Toyota and your BMW and Rolls’ car rental receipts? Likewise, do you really want to keep a guy who loves you because you are like “a mystery gift he’d like to unwrap”? A guy who’s so enthralled by mysterious females is probably not the marrying type; there’ll be countless other females and mysterious packages to unwrap. In case you are willing to risk that, then what do you think will become of your relationship once the mystery and the novelty runs out?

This brings us to our next point.

Be Honest and Be Yourself

Do not create a false image of yourself in your loved one’s eyes. That’s the surest route to relationship breakdown and certainly not a good foundation for the long-lasting relationship that you want to have with your partner. Sooner or later he or she will wake up to the fact that you are not really what you appeared to be. For your part, how do you know whether your partner loves you or the illusion of you that you have created especially for his or her benefit?

A long-lasting relationship cannot be built on illusions and lies. It has to be real from the start or the relationship is bound for failure. A meaningful relationship is something that gives satisfaction and fulfillment. How much satisfaction do you think can you get from a relationship that’s insecure?

Insecurities lead to thoughts about the “what-ifs,” specifically “what if he or she doesn’t love the real me?” or “what if he or she discovers I’m lying and pretending and leaves me?” In a relationship without pretensions and lies, you will have no such doubts. You know he or she loves you just the way you are, so you won’t be afraid to slip or make a mistake that can make him or her love you less.

Do Not Manipulate

Do not manipulate your partner into doing things you know he or she doesn’t want to do. Just like you expect your partner to accept you as you are, you should also accept your partner for what he or she is. There’s no point in trying to change your partner to make him or her fit your ideal mold. Respect your partner’s independence and his or her principles. Do not play games. If you can’t accept your partner the way he or she is, find someone else. You’ll save yourselves a lot of trouble that way.

Give Each Other Some Space

A relationship that stifles individuality will not last. Relationships are supposed to fulfill a person and encourage their personal growth. When the relationship becomes restrictive and when the two individuals are transformed so wholly into a single unit, the relationship becomes a relationship of one and thereby loses its essence. Relationships are much richer when they are composed of individuals who are continually evolving and thereby continually contributing to the growth of their partners.

If you want to maintain your relationship, it is essential that you give each other some breathing space. Don’t live in each other’s pockets. Have some time alone; go out with your own set of friends. That way, you’ll always have something new to talk about. Moreover, none of you will feel that your relationship has deprived you of other pursuits and interest.

Communicate

Communication is crucial to a healthy relationship. How else would you keep the love going and learn about possible problems in your relationship if you don’t talk about important things?

Communication in this case does not refer to just small talk and ordinary conversation. Nor does it refer to just verbal communication. Both of these things are part of the communication mechanics in a relationship, but real communication goes much deeper. It involves talking about important matters – typically philosophical but not academic – like what each wants to achieve, what you dream of achieving together and what you think your life means. It is also telling your partner with a glance, with a word and with a touch how much you value him or her, how great a blessing he or she is to your life and how much you love him or her.

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leeches leech mehdi leeches therapy Is Arguing Killing Your Relationship? by mehdi jaffari

Is Arguing Killing Your Relationship?

You and your partner just had a fight… again. It was another fight to add to a long list of fights. Sometimes you think your relationship is just one long series of misunderstandings, arguments and, oh yes, full-blown fights. The times when you and your partner are not arguing about something, seem to be mere brief intermissions to break the monotonous routine and give each of you a chance to fortify your defenses and prepare new arguments for, what else, but the next round of fighting.

Arguments kill. They can kill relationships and the love that you thought was so strong when you first started.

Opposites Attract, Right?

A relationship with someone is great to have especially if your partner is someone you get along so well with. The old adage, “opposites attract,” is only applicable in physics. When it comes to relationships, it is wiser to be with someone who shares similar views with you.

You want a relationship with someone whom you can talk to without getting into a heated argument; you don’t want someone you don’t even want to talk to because you just can’t agree with anything that he or she says. You also want someone who has a little bit of your own personality so your partner will be sure to understand where you’re coming from, and vice versa of course.

Opposites may attract, but most likely not against all odds. The attraction may be intense – chemistry and all that – but it will probably last only until the first or the next real fight. Once the tingling and heady effects of the first months wear out, what else is there to look forward to except more disagreements and more arguments?

Arguments stem from a difference of opinion. When both of you clash on so many issues, what are the chances of you or your partner ever seeing the other person’s point of view? Thus, it is always wise to start your relationship with your mind in full gear. Think before you leap – now that’s an old saying I have no argument with.

But just in case you really do love your partner and both of you are deeply committed to make it work despite all the arguing and the quarrelling, here are a few tips you can try.

Accept Each Other’s Individuality

The next time that you and your partner find yourselves in another argument, think about the most important thing: you are together because you love each other. Therefore, you have to make it work. Thus, if you can’t say anything constructive, say nothing. It’s better to keep a rein on your temper and hold your peace than say something in anger that you’ll regret almost immediately after.

Then, in one of your calm moments, think about the fact that it’s not realistic to expect your partner to agree with you on everything. You are still two distinct individuals who just happen to love each other. You may not agree on a lot of things but, at least, you agree on the most important things. So why don’t you just let differences of opinion slide (like water off a duck’s back) and move on to what’s more important – making up. The cards may be stacked up against your relationship succeeding, but those who gamble can win.

You just need to accept that you and your partner have your own personalities. You are two individuals – perhaps more different than ideal – but that’s something you really can’t do anything about. Instead of complaining about your differences and instead of trying to change your partner (both of which would be as painful and as senseless as bumping your head against a concrete wall, by the way), you should focus on yourself and what you can do to alleviate the constant tension and stresses that are wearing your relationship thin.

In other words, don’t get fixated on the things you cannot change; concentrate on those things you can do something about – like your attitude to your partner’s behavior and beliefs and how you will handle your relationship so you will spend less and less time arguing.

Do not Sacrifice; Compromise

Never for one moment think that reacting positively and holding your peace when what you really want to do is let some deadly missiles loose is sacrificing. Sacrifice is for martyred saints. They are not for people who are in a supposedly mutually rewarding relationship.

When partners sacrifice too much of themselves for the sake of their relationship, sooner or later tempers will flare, grudges will accumulate and before you know what is happening you are hurling the verbal equivalent of nuclear warheads on your partner’s head. And you know what they say about nuclear war – one party gets to strike first but, in the end, nobody wins.

Compromise is what you need; not sacrifice. Sacrifice is when you give up something important so you can make your partner happy. Anyone who demands your sacrifice is very selfish; your sacrificial act will probably be just taken for granted and your effort will remain unacknowledged. For that matter, anyone who demands your sacrifice must be given the sack. Goodbye and good riddance.

Compromise, on the other hand, is a decision or a course of action that has been determined through an amicable discussion. Requests, not demands, are made by both parties. Free will is exercised by each and compliance is never forced nor assumed. Since each one voluntarily does something, no one feels put upon so no petty flare-ups are bound to happen.

No Point in Arguing

Is the color of the bathroom wall really worth fighting about? Come on! It may merit a discussion, but not a major blow up, that’s for certain. Thus before you let all your weapons loose, think about what got you so riled up in the first place. If you think something is important enough to risk your relationship on, go ahead. But if it is something so petty even kids won’t touch them, you’ve got a prime candidate for a relationship-breaker.

Constant arguing is the fastest way to make your partner want to leave. In the heat of the moment, it will feel good to let out all your anger and frustration. In the aftermath of your explosive outburst and your fiery arguments, however, you and your partner will probably be very miserable.

Finally, if you have done everything – reined in your temper, held your peace and argued only about important things – yet you still kept on arguing, perhaps it’s time to reflect on why you’re still in that relationship in the first place. Perhaps it’s time to talk about cutting losses and abandoning ship?

Posted in MEHDI Counsellor & Life Coach, new zealand leechtherapy, Relationships
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Be Guided, Not Ruled

Building and Maintaining Relationships

You think you have found the one person you want to be with for the rest of your life. You are exhilarated but you are also scared. What if you mess up and do something to ruin your relationship? Are there rules you can follow to make sure you do not lose this great guy or this sweet girl with whom you are very much in love?

There are no rules. There are, however, many worthy tips about building and maintaining a relationship that you can follow. And the first of them will tell you that obsession about relationship’s rules is one of the biggest mistakes you’ll ever make if you want to build a relationship for keeps.

Be Guided, Not Ruled

If you want to build a meaningful relationship with another person, you must never, ever treat a relationship like a recipe book. In other words, do not blindly follow what any books tell you. Blind obedience is all right when it comes to recipe books; the ingredients and measurements are precise, so following the recipes will give you the intended results. In human relationships, however, there are no such constants.

Treat books (including this article) as guides to building and maintaining a relationship. However, never lose your own perspective. First of all, books are written for a general audience; they are not for you alone. In some cases, they may not be for you at all. You are an individual with unique traits and beliefs, and so is your partner.

You don’t pretend to be a helpless female and put on womanly airs when you’re really independent and assertive just because the books tell you this will “bring out the protective instincts” in your man and make him love you more. Do not act all mysterious when you’re really just bursting at the seams in your eagerness to tell him all about yourself just because the books tell you “men are enthralled by a mysterious female.”

Likewise, you don’t pretend to be all macho, invulnerable and aloof just because the books tell you “women are drawn to “strong, unattainable guys.” You don’t pretend to drive a BMW coupe and a Rolls Royce limo when you actually drive a beat-up Toyota with a beat-up fender just because the books tell you “women are attracted to rich men.”

These books may be right; but do you really want to be in a relationship with a woman who equates a guy’s value with the size of his wallet? Then, of course, what do you think will happen to your relationship when your partner finally discovers your beat-up Toyota and your BMW and Rolls’ car rental receipts? Likewise, do you really want to keep a guy who loves you because you are like “a mystery gift he’d like to unwrap”? A guy who’s so enthralled by mysterious females is probably not the marrying type; there’ll be countless other females and mysterious packages to unwrap. In case you are willing to risk that, then what do you think will become of your relationship once the mystery and the novelty runs out?

This brings us to our next point.

Be Honest and Be Yourself

Do not create a false image of yourself in your loved one’s eyes. That’s the surest route to relationship breakdown and certainly not a good foundation for the long-lasting relationship that you want to have with your partner. Sooner or later he or she will wake up to the fact that you are not really what you appeared to be. For your part, how do you know whether your partner loves you or the illusion of you that you have created especially for his or her benefit?

A long-lasting relationship cannot be built on illusions and lies. It has to be real from the start or the relationship is bound for failure. A meaningful relationship is something that gives satisfaction and fulfillment. How much satisfaction do you think can you get from a relationship that’s insecure?

Insecurities lead to thoughts about the “what-ifs,” specifically “what if he or she doesn’t love the real me?” or “what if he or she discovers I’m lying and pretending and leaves me?” In a relationship without pretensions and lies, you will have no such doubts. You know he or she loves you just the way you are, so you won’t be afraid to slip or make a mistake that can make him or her love you less.

Do Not Manipulate

Do not manipulate your partner into doing things you know he or she doesn’t want to do. Just like you expect your partner to accept you as you are, you should also accept your partner for what he or she is. There’s no point in trying to change your partner to make him or her fit your ideal mold. Respect your partner’s independence and his or her principles. Do not play games. If you can’t accept your partner the way he or she is, find someone else. You’ll save yourselves a lot of trouble that way.

Give Each Other Some Space

A relationship that stifles individuality will not last. Relationships are supposed to fulfill a person and encourage their personal growth. When the relationship becomes restrictive and when the two individuals are transformed so wholly into a single unit, the relationship becomes a relationship of one and thereby loses its essence. Relationships are much richer when they are composed of individuals who are continually evolving and thereby continually contributing to the growth of their partners.

If you want to maintain your relationship, it is essential that you give each other some breathing space. Don’t live in each other’s pockets. Have some time alone; go out with your own set of friends. That way, you’ll always have something new to talk about. Moreover, none of you will feel that your relationship has deprived you of other pursuits and interest.

Communicate

Communication is crucial to a healthy relationship. How else would you keep the love going and learn about possible problems in your relationship if you don’t talk about important things?

Communication in this case does not refer to just small talk and ordinary conversation. Nor does it refer to just verbal communication. Both of these things are part of the communication mechanics in a relationship, but real communication goes much deeper. It involves talking about important matters – typically philosophical but not academic – like what each wants to achieve, what you dream of achieving together and what you think your life means. It is also telling your partner with a glance, with a word and with a touch how much you value him or her, how great a blessing he or she is to your life and how much you love him or her.

Posted in Relationships
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Opposites Attract, Right

Is Arguing Killing Your Relationship?

You and your partner just had a fight… again. It was another fight to add to a long list of fights. Sometimes you think your relationship is just one long series of misunderstandings, arguments and, oh yes, full-blown fights. The times when you and your partner are not arguing about something, seem to be mere brief intermissions to break the monotonous routine and give each of you a chance to fortify your defenses and prepare new arguments for, what else, but the next round of fighting.

Arguments kill. They can kill relationships and the love that you thought was so strong when you first started.

Opposites Attract, Right?

A relationship with someone is great to have especially if your partner is someone you get along so well with. The old adage, “opposites attract,” is only applicable in physics. When it comes to relationships, it is wiser to be with someone who shares similar views with you.

You want a relationship with someone whom you can talk to without getting into a heated argument; you don’t want someone you don’t even want to talk to because you just can’t agree with anything that he or she says. You also want someone who has a little bit of your own personality so your partner will be sure to understand where you’re coming from, and vice versa of course.

Opposites may attract, but most likely not against all odds. The attraction may be intense – chemistry and all that – but it will probably last only until the first or the next real fight. Once the tingling and heady effects of the first months wear out, what else is there to look forward to except more disagreements and more arguments?

Arguments stem from a difference of opinion. When both of you clash on so many issues, what are the chances of you or your partner ever seeing the other person’s point of view? Thus, it is always wise to start your relationship with your mind in full gear. Think before you leap – now that’s an old saying I have no argument with.

But just in case you really do love your partner and both of you are deeply committed to make it work despite all the arguing and the quarrelling, here are a few tips you can try.

Accept Each Other’s Individuality

The next time that you and your partner find yourselves in another argument, think about the most important thing: you are together because you love each other. Therefore, you have to make it work. Thus, if you can’t say anything constructive, say nothing. It’s better to keep a rein on your temper and hold your peace than say something in anger that you’ll regret almost immediately after.

Then, in one of your calm moments, think about the fact that it’s not realistic to expect your partner to agree with you on everything. You are still two distinct individuals who just happen to love each other. You may not agree on a lot of things but, at least, you agree on the most important things. So why don’t you just let differences of opinion slide (like water off a duck’s back) and move on to what’s more important – making up. The cards may be stacked up against your relationship succeeding, but those who gamble can win.

You just need to accept that you and your partner have your own personalities. You are two individuals – perhaps more different than ideal – but that’s something you really can’t do anything about. Instead of complaining about your differences and instead of trying to change your partner (both of which would be as painful and as senseless as bumping your head against a concrete wall, by the way), you should focus on yourself and what you can do to alleviate the constant tension and stresses that are wearing your relationship thin.

In other words, don’t get fixated on the things you cannot change; concentrate on those things you can do something about – like your attitude to your partner’s behavior and beliefs and how you will handle your relationship so you will spend less and less time arguing.

Do not Sacrifice; Compromise

Never for one moment think that reacting positively and holding your peace when what you really want to do is let some deadly missiles loose is sacrificing. Sacrifice is for martyred saints. They are not for people who are in a supposedly mutually rewarding relationship.

When partners sacrifice too much of themselves for the sake of their relationship, sooner or later tempers will flare, grudges will accumulate and before you know what is happening you are hurling the verbal equivalent of nuclear warheads on your partner’s head. And you know what they say about nuclear war – one party gets to strike first but, in the end, nobody wins.

Compromise is what you need; not sacrifice. Sacrifice is when you give up something important so you can make your partner happy. Anyone who demands your sacrifice is very selfish; your sacrificial act will probably be just taken for granted and your effort will remain unacknowledged. For that matter, anyone who demands your sacrifice must be given the sack. Goodbye and good riddance.

Compromise, on the other hand, is a decision or a course of action that has been determined through an amicable discussion. Requests, not demands, are made by both parties. Free will is exercised by each and compliance is never forced nor assumed. Since each one voluntarily does something, no one feels put upon so no petty flare-ups are bound to happen.

No Point in Arguing

Is the color of the bathroom wall really worth fighting about? Come on! It may merit a discussion, but not a major blow up, that’s for certain. Thus before you let all your weapons loose, think about what got you so riled up in the first place. If you think something is important enough to risk your relationship on, go ahead. But if it is something so petty even kids won’t touch them, you’ve got a prime candidate for a relationship-breaker.

Constant arguing is the fastest way to make your partner want to leave. In the heat of the moment, it will feel good to let out all your anger and frustration. In the aftermath of your explosive outburst and your fiery arguments, however, you and your partner will probably be very miserable.

Finally, if you have done everything – reined in your temper, held your peace and argued only about important things – yet you still kept on arguing, perhaps it’s time to reflect on why you’re still in that relationship in the first place. Perhaps it’s time to talk about cutting losses and abandoning ship?

Posted in Relationships
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Be Realistic

Asking couples what makes their relationships work will give you multiple answers to a simple question. Different strokes for different folks and all that. All the answers will make sense, but they’ll also probably be contradictory.

There Is No ONE Secret

There are a lot of theories about the perfect formula for building a healthy and happy relationship. But the fact is that there is not one perfect formula to make relationships work. Einstein’s theory of relativity explains it all – although not so much in relationship terms but towards momentum and gravitational forces.

There’s no universal truth to a happy relationship. What works for some people may not work for others. However, if you want guidance so you can make your own relationship work, here are some tips that have proven useful and effective for a lot of other couples.

Be Realistic

What couples fail to realize is that the happily ever after only happens in fairy tales. There is no happily ever after in the real world because ever after actually connotes forever, and forever is non-existent in relationships. “As long as you both shall live” is not forever, you know? It’s only as long as you both live.

It is true that no time is more exciting and exhilarating, dizzying even, than the first fluttering of a new love. Everything is perfect and no one can convince you otherwise. You see through rose-tinted spectacles and your partner’s flaws are just those cute little eccentricities he or she has. You can live with that – forever if possible. This is where the real tragedy begins.

If there’s one thing happy and healthy relationships have in common, it is the awareness and acceptance of both parties that, in relationships, there is no natural magic. There’s only magic that you make yourselves.

Check Your Perceptions

Stephen Covey had it right when he said that how you perceive things influences your attitudes and behavior. Everything you feel, everything you do, is based on your unique and relative interpretation of the world and your experiences. This is good advice, and it is extremely relevant in your personal relationships.

If you want a healthy and happy relationship, you must first do a self-check. Are your expectations realistic? Perhaps your perception is warped? Many couples, even when they are so much in love, usually fight because they can’t see eye to eye on important matters. It is usually the case that one of them – or both of them – has a twisted view of what is and should be in a relationship.

Let us suppose that a woman thinks that her man should treat her like a princess; he should never let her lift a finger nor make her hands dirty. She also believes that her man should not want any other person’s company; he should want to be with her more than with his football-fanatic friends during Super Bowl Sunday. So in a nutshell, she wants to be treated like a princess in fairy tales, she wants to be pampered and spoiled. However, she also demands that she be treated like a woman who knows her own mind, that she be consulted in important decisions, that she be taken seriously when she decides she wants to run her own business.

Now that’s an unreal view of reality – a perception as unreasonable as wanting to keep your cake and eat it too. If this woman in our example does not realize the inconsistency in such a “theory,” she’ll always be unhappy and unable to find that one man who will make her dream relationship come true.

You must do the same and check your beliefs. Whenever you get angry at your partner for doing something, take a moment to analyze why you are angry and evaluate whether your basis for your anger – your perception or own theory about what should be in your partner and your relationship – is rational and consistent with your other beliefs and your expressed opinions. Consider this and tell me if this does not reek of inconsistency: a woman maintains that she must be treated like an equal, yet she gets angry when her date splits the tab.

When the Going Gets Tough

There is a time in every relationship when the cute little eccentricities of your partner will become huge annoyances that you feel you really can’t handle. Now, you may want nothing more than to spend every waking hour with your partner, but believe me, a time will come when you can’t wait to kick your partner out so you can have a little peace and quiet and a little time to yourself. A time will come when you will no longer be able to see anything but flaws: he does not put the toilet seat down, she does not leave my study alone, he does not help me wash the dishes, she is always asking me to wash the dishes – and on and on your long litany of complaints will go.

At this point, your rose-colored spectacles have now been completely retired and you are seeing your love in an entirely new and unflattering light. If this time comes and you and your partner are able to work it out, you have it made. You’ll be one of those lucky couples who have built a healthy and happy relationship; for if there is one thing that is common to all successful relationships, it is work. Very hard work from both parties involved.

Love isn’t all that it’s hyped up to be. It’s not all romance, starry nights, candlelit dinners, and walks on the beach. It is also full of exasperating and aggravating arguments and fights, irritating dialogues and petty nagging, sadness and lots of tears. But if you want a happy and healthy relationship, you have no choice but to work on it. Nurture it, baby it along through the rough patches, hold on and keep faith with your partner, and watch your fledgling relationship bloom before your eyes.

Posted in Relationships
Tags:

Secret relationships

Asking couples what makes their relationships work will give you multiple answers to a simple question. Different strokes for different folks and all that. All the answers will make sense, but they’ll also probably be contradictory.

There Is No ONE
There are a lot of theories about the perfect formula for building a healthy and happy relationship. But the fact is that there is not one perfect formula to make relationships work. Einstein’s theory of relativity explains it all – although not so much in relationship terms but towards momentum and gravitational forces.

There’s no universal truth to a happy relationship. What works for some people may not work for others. However, if you want guidance so you can make your own relationship work, here are some tips that have proven useful and effective for a lot of other couples.

Be Realistic
What couples fail to realize is that the happily ever after only happens in fairy tales. There is no happily ever after in the real world because ever after actually connotes forever, and forever is non-existent in relationships. “As long as you both shall live” is not forever, you know? It’s only as long as you both live.

It is true that no time is more exciting and exhilarating, dizzying even, than the first fluttering of a new love. Everything is perfect and no one can convince you otherwise. You see through rose-tinted spectacles and your partner’s flaws are just those cute little eccentricities he or she has. You can live with that – forever if possible. This is where the real tragedy begins.

If there’s one thing happy and healthy relationships have in common, it is the awareness and acceptance of both parties that, in relationships, there is no natural magic. There’s only magic that you make yourselves.

Check Your Perceptions
Stephen Covey had it right when he said that how you perceive things influences your attitudes and behavior. Everything you feel, everything you do, is based on your unique and relative interpretation of the world and your experiences. This is good advice, and it is extremely relevant in your personal relationships.

If you want a healthy and happy relationship, you must first do a self-check. Are your expectations realistic? Perhaps your perception is warped? Many couples, even when they are so much in love, usually fight because they can’t see eye to eye on important matters. It is usually the case that one of them – or both of them – has a twisted view of what is and should be in a relationship.

Let us suppose that a woman thinks that her man should treat her like a princess; he should never let her lift a finger nor make her hands dirty. She also believes that her man should not want any other person’s company; he should want to be with her more than with his football-fanatic friends during Super Bowl Sunday. So in a nutshell, she wants to be treated like a princess in fairy tales, she wants to be pampered and spoiled. However, she also demands that she be treated like a woman who knows her own mind, that she be consulted in important decisions, that she be taken seriously when she decides she wants to run her own business.

Now that’s an unreal view of reality – a perception as unreasonable as wanting to keep your cake and eat it too. If this woman in our example does not realize the inconsistency in such a “theory,” she’ll always be unhappy and unable to find that one man who will make her dream relationship come true.

You must do the same and check your beliefs. Whenever you get angry at your partner for doing something, take a moment to analyze why you are angry and evaluate whether your basis for your anger – your perception or own theory about what should be in your partner and your relationship – is rational and consistent with your other beliefs and your expressed opinions. Consider this and tell me if this does not reek of inconsistency: a woman maintains that she must be treated like an equal, yet she gets angry when her date splits the tab.

When the Going Gets Tough
There is a time in every relationship when the cute little eccentricities of your partner will become huge annoyances that you feel you really can’t handle. Now, you may want nothing more than to spend every waking hour with your partner, but believe me, a time will come when you can’t wait to kick your partner out so you can have a little peace and quiet and a little time to yourself. A time will come when you will no longer be able to see anything but flaws: he does not put the toilet seat down, she does not leave my study alone, he does not help me wash the dishes, she is always asking me to wash the dishes – and on and on your long litany of complaints will go.

At this point, your rose-colored spectacles have now been completely retired and you are seeing your love in an entirely new and unflattering light. If this time comes and you and your partner are able to work it out, you have it made. You’ll be one of those lucky couples who have built a healthy and happy relationship; for if there is one thing that is common to all successful relationships, it is work. Very hard work from both parties involved.

Love isn’t all that it’s hyped up to be. It’s not all romance, starry nights, candlelit dinners, and walks on the beach. It is also full of exasperating and aggravating arguments and fights, irritating dialogues and petty nagging, sadness and lots of tears. But if you want a happy and healthy relationship, you have no choice but to work on it. Nurture it, baby it along through the rough patches, hold on and keep faith with your partner, and watch your fledgling relationship bloom before your eyes.

Posted in Relationships
Tags:
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