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leeches leech mehdi leeches therapy Irrational Anger: Causes by mehdi jaffari

Irrational Anger: Causes

We all experience this when we cannot get what we want. “This” is a feeling of deep frustration – an intense emotion that we call “anger.”

We express our anger in different ways. Others tackle their anger in a positive way but some express it in the wrong way. Anger is not a problem. The problem lies in the way we manage it.

Anger is a healthy human emotion. If a person knows how to manage his anger the right way, there’s no way anger can turn into a problem for a person and his family. On the other hand, if a person “mismanages” his anger, then various problems are certain to occur. Inappropriate expression of anger may result to various physical, social, emotional, and legal problems. This is the reason why people who have a problem with managing their anger – especially irrational anger – should subject themselves to treatment procedures like counseling.

Understanding Anger

Anger affects all aspect of a person’s life. Anger triggers physical changes in the body which includes increased heart rate, elevated blood pressure, increased muscle tension, hyperventilation, and increased body temperature. These changes in the body are due to the increased production of adrenalin (epinephrine and norepinephrine) which stimulates the sympathetic nervous system.

Anger is an emotional state that has various levels or degrees. It can range from mild irritation to intense anger. It can also affect a person’s cognitive perception or views. Thus, a person who is angry is unable to think straight.

To have a better understanding of what anger is all about, we should look at anger in a constructive way. Before a person experiences anger, there must be an external (someone or something) or internal stimuli (heartaches or emotional wounds). Prior to the angry state, the person recognizes his cognitive and emotional status. Next, he analyzes the external or internal stimuli, after which he looks for a way of coping with it. Thus is the way by which a person typically feels and expresses anger.

Factors that Influence Anger

The things that can make a person angry and the way he manages his anger can be influenced by internal and external factors. The following are some of the external and internal factors that affect a person’s tendency towards irrational anger.

External Factors

External factors have influence in a person’s tendency to be irrationally angry. Alcoholism and drug abuse, for instance, can make a person more prone to irrational anger. That is, an alcoholic or a drug addict is much more likely to have fits of irrational anger than someone else who has no history of substance abuse. Alcohol and drugs harm the brain and, in the long run, they can do so much harm that the person is rendered unable to properly process the information and other stimuli that he senses from his environment. Wrong interpretation, in turn, can lead to irrational anger. It is called irrational anger in this case because it is, in fact, based on the wrong premise.

Stress and pressure can also influence a person’s tendency to become irrationally angry. A person who is under a lot of pressure or stress usually has very low tolerance. This person can become prone to irrational anger.

The bad examples set by role models can also be another external factor. If someone grows up in a family or community where the older people – i.e. the role models – have managed their anger badly, this person can become prone to irrational anger later on.

Internal Factors

There are also internal factors that influence how a person processes information and thus his susceptibility to irrational anger. In other words, the way someone perceives events, circumstances, other people, and his life influences a person’s anger response and reaction mechanisms. Of course, these perceptions are, oftentimes, heavily influenced by external factors; environmental factors actually help shape a person’s perceptions. In any case, someone whose own perceptions (i.e. cognitive maps) are warped is more prone to irrational anger than someone who has a more positive view of life.

Thus, those who tend to react negatively to normal events as well as the things that other people say – those who assume that other people and certain life events are always in conflict with their ideologies, desires and endeavors – are predisposed towards irrational anger. They use emotional reasoning instead of logical reasoning so they can be very dysfunctional. They don’t see both sides of the coin. They only follow what they feel and forget about accurate information and reality.

Some people who have a distinctly negative view of reality will usually view challenges as insurmountable hindrances to their aspirations. They begin to feel that these hindrances were deliberately placed in their path to frustrate their ambitions or desires. Problems are a natural part of reality and life. When someone loses sight of this fact, he is setting himself up for severe frustration and, thus, irrational anger.

Physical and emotional pain can also make a person prone to irrational anger. If one feels powerless against all his pain, his patience or tolerance will soon be eroded and he will start becoming frustrated and angry.

Psychological problems like suppressed anger, past experiences of abuse and betrayal, loss, grief, and humiliation can cause anger-related problems. Psychological instability (psychological disorders) can also cause such problems.

Outcomes of Anger

As mentioned earlier, anger is a healthy emotion. But if anger is not properly managed it can lead to serious problems.

Anger can affect the functions of the body. It can lead to hypertension, stress ulcers and headache. Anger has physiological manifestations. When someone is always angry – and severely angry at that – his body will become ravaged.

Irrational anger can also lead to mental disorders like depression and nervous breakdowns. Anger can trigger depression (manifested by severe loneliness, loss of motivation and tendency to harm oneself). Many medical professionals believe that depression is, in fact, caused by suppressed anger. Since people experience big frustrations, they redirect their anger inwards. They then feel sad and believe themselves to be powerless.

Anger can also lead to obsession, phobias and other forms of addiction. Furthermore, anger can cause manic attacks. Since people with great sentiments cannot express their anger in a healthy way, they let it out through destructive activities such as hurting others, harming themselves and destroying property. Sometimes manic activities reach their peak, and this can lead to bipolar disorder.

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leeches leech mehdi leeches therapy Anger Management and Treatment by mehdi jaffari

Anger Management and Treatment

To feel anger is natural. However, to be irrationally or unreasonably angry is not. Such anger can lead to undesirable consequences; namely, broken relationships, depression and even legal complications. Those who feel such uncontrollable anger should get anger management therapy.

 

What is Anger Management?

Anger management refers to the utilization of therapeutic techniques to manage uncontrollable anger or rage. The purpose of anger management is to teach someone who suffers from irrational or uncontrollable anger strategies that he could use to control his anger and minimize the effect of those things that trigger or cause his anger. Through anger management therapy, therapists also try to redirect the patient’s extreme anger into more productive and healthy activities. Furthermore, they try to instill in the patient a more positive outlook in life. To accomplish all these, therapists use various techniques including deep breathing, meditation and stress management skills.

The system of anger management is also designed to be personal since people have different ways of expressing their anger. Whatever path a person takes in anger management, the only goal is to make a person emotionally and spiritually well.

Knowing the Two Types of Anger

Before a person subjects himself to anger management therapy, however, one must first accept that he has an anger management issue. He must also acknowledge that his anger is leading to serious repercussions that affect not only him but also the people around him. If a person is not committed to solving his anger problems – if he doesn’t even recognize the existence of a problem and the need for resolution – then there is no sense in undertaking anger management therapy for his negative and non-accepting attitude will defeat the purpose of anger management.

After acknowledging his anger management problem, the next step involves understanding the root of the problem. Specifically, he must try to find what has caused his anger management issues. He must also analyze how he copes with and expresses his anger.

A person can express his anger aggressively or passively. When a person is aggressive, he usually expresses his anger through violence, destructive actions, expressing threats, and taking revenge; he also tends to take his anger out on people who are weaker or smaller than him. On the other hand, passive persons express their anger through secretive behaviors, repetitive behaviors (obsession), manipulation, self-pity, and self-harm (suicidal tendencies). Nevertheless, both the passive and aggressive person cannot fully comprehend what he is doing and cannot control his emotions. Thus, it is important that those with anger management issues seek help and take the proper measures to solve the problem.

How to Handle Anger in a Positive Way

In order to manage his anger, one needs to establish a balance between anger control and anger expression. The following are some of the guidelines that can help a person express or handle his anger in a positive way.

  1. A person should express his anger in a straightforward manner. If one is angry, he should not suppress the anger or pretend that he is not angry. He should not beat around the bush. Instead, he must express his anger or make it tangible by using hand gestures and facial expressions and by letting the person concerned see such gestures and facial expressions.
  2. A person must also stay focused on the issue at hand. He must keep his attention focused on the issue that triggered the anger and not on matters that are irrelevant.
  3. One must also stand his ground when he is in the right. He must express his anger in a consistent manner in matters when his dignity is at risk. The assumption, here, of course is that the person knows when to be unrelenting and when not to be – that is, he knows the difference between petty and grave matters. This is where point number 4 comes in.
  4. A person must also use his reason when he is angry. First, there should be a logical basis for the anger. Second, the expression of anger must also be reasonable and not disproportionate to the situation. Third, he must maintain his self-awareness and observe his actions carefully to ensure that he doesn’t get out of line.
  5. One should also learn how to listen to the other party’s explanations. By listening, one may discover that he really doesn’t have any cause to be angry. Furthermore, how can one party make an apology if the other party is ranting and refuses to listen?
  6. Finally, a person must be compassionate. Even if his anger proves to be valid, one must have enough compassion and understanding for other people. After one has expressed his anger or frustration, there’s no reason why he cannot forgive the other person. It would be pretty senseless to hold on to an anger that you have already vented out.

Tips on Controlling Anger

The process of controlling anger, especially when a person is addicted to it, is really a difficult task. However, the following can help in anger management. Take note that these are not suppression techniques; anger suppression is not healthy. These are ways by which one can gain a measure of control over his anger and subsequent actions.

  1. A person who is at the brink of raging out or who is experiencing intense anger must take several deep breaths. Deep breathing will help calm the body and help restore the body to a non-aggressive/defensive state. This way, reason can dominate the tendency towards aggression and anger will become more manageable.
  2. One can also channel his anger towards extremely physical but basically harmless activities. For instance, one who feels rage coming on can expend his temper on a treadmill or in the gym. The adrenaline is expended and even put to better use, while one prevents himself from engaging in destructive activities in the heat of anger.
  3. One must also think about positive things when angry. In anger, a person’s bitter thoughts and emotions become rather exaggerated. By thinking positive thoughts, one can neutralize these thoughts and restore reason.

The following are things that a person who has anger management issues can do during periods of calm – that is, in between bursts of rage.

  1. During periods of calm, a person must think about his perceptions and analyze their validity. One must question the reasons for his anger – why does he get angry? He must evaluate whether his anger is usually valid or not. If it’s the latter, he must try to change those values or beliefs – misconceptions, actually – that are causing him to be irrationally angry.
  2. One must also try to establish a better relationship with people. He must also train himself to have a more positive outlook. He must keep on smiling, for instance. Being happy and positive is one of the ways by which anger can be defeated.

These tips are, of course, just meant to be general guides. Those who are suffering from anger management problems should still seek professional help so that a personal and specific anger management plan can be drawn for them.

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leeches leech mehdi leeches therapy Is Arguing Killing Your Relationship? by mehdi jaffari

Is Arguing Killing Your Relationship?

You and your partner just had a fight… again. It was another fight to add to a long list of fights. Sometimes you think your relationship is just one long series of misunderstandings, arguments and, oh yes, full-blown fights. The times when you and your partner are not arguing about something, seem to be mere brief intermissions to break the monotonous routine and give each of you a chance to fortify your defenses and prepare new arguments for, what else, but the next round of fighting.

Arguments kill. They can kill relationships and the love that you thought was so strong when you first started.

Opposites Attract, Right?

A relationship with someone is great to have especially if your partner is someone you get along so well with. The old adage, “opposites attract,” is only applicable in physics. When it comes to relationships, it is wiser to be with someone who shares similar views with you.

You want a relationship with someone whom you can talk to without getting into a heated argument; you don’t want someone you don’t even want to talk to because you just can’t agree with anything that he or she says. You also want someone who has a little bit of your own personality so your partner will be sure to understand where you’re coming from, and vice versa of course.

Opposites may attract, but most likely not against all odds. The attraction may be intense – chemistry and all that – but it will probably last only until the first or the next real fight. Once the tingling and heady effects of the first months wear out, what else is there to look forward to except more disagreements and more arguments?

Arguments stem from a difference of opinion. When both of you clash on so many issues, what are the chances of you or your partner ever seeing the other person’s point of view? Thus, it is always wise to start your relationship with your mind in full gear. Think before you leap – now that’s an old saying I have no argument with.

But just in case you really do love your partner and both of you are deeply committed to make it work despite all the arguing and the quarrelling, here are a few tips you can try.

Accept Each Other’s Individuality

The next time that you and your partner find yourselves in another argument, think about the most important thing: you are together because you love each other. Therefore, you have to make it work. Thus, if you can’t say anything constructive, say nothing. It’s better to keep a rein on your temper and hold your peace than say something in anger that you’ll regret almost immediately after.

Then, in one of your calm moments, think about the fact that it’s not realistic to expect your partner to agree with you on everything. You are still two distinct individuals who just happen to love each other. You may not agree on a lot of things but, at least, you agree on the most important things. So why don’t you just let differences of opinion slide (like water off a duck’s back) and move on to what’s more important – making up. The cards may be stacked up against your relationship succeeding, but those who gamble can win.

You just need to accept that you and your partner have your own personalities. You are two individuals – perhaps more different than ideal – but that’s something you really can’t do anything about. Instead of complaining about your differences and instead of trying to change your partner (both of which would be as painful and as senseless as bumping your head against a concrete wall, by the way), you should focus on yourself and what you can do to alleviate the constant tension and stresses that are wearing your relationship thin.

In other words, don’t get fixated on the things you cannot change; concentrate on those things you can do something about – like your attitude to your partner’s behavior and beliefs and how you will handle your relationship so you will spend less and less time arguing.

Do not Sacrifice; Compromise

Never for one moment think that reacting positively and holding your peace when what you really want to do is let some deadly missiles loose is sacrificing. Sacrifice is for martyred saints. They are not for people who are in a supposedly mutually rewarding relationship.

When partners sacrifice too much of themselves for the sake of their relationship, sooner or later tempers will flare, grudges will accumulate and before you know what is happening you are hurling the verbal equivalent of nuclear warheads on your partner’s head. And you know what they say about nuclear war – one party gets to strike first but, in the end, nobody wins.

Compromise is what you need; not sacrifice. Sacrifice is when you give up something important so you can make your partner happy. Anyone who demands your sacrifice is very selfish; your sacrificial act will probably be just taken for granted and your effort will remain unacknowledged. For that matter, anyone who demands your sacrifice must be given the sack. Goodbye and good riddance.

Compromise, on the other hand, is a decision or a course of action that has been determined through an amicable discussion. Requests, not demands, are made by both parties. Free will is exercised by each and compliance is never forced nor assumed. Since each one voluntarily does something, no one feels put upon so no petty flare-ups are bound to happen.

No Point in Arguing

Is the color of the bathroom wall really worth fighting about? Come on! It may merit a discussion, but not a major blow up, that’s for certain. Thus before you let all your weapons loose, think about what got you so riled up in the first place. If you think something is important enough to risk your relationship on, go ahead. But if it is something so petty even kids won’t touch them, you’ve got a prime candidate for a relationship-breaker.

Constant arguing is the fastest way to make your partner want to leave. In the heat of the moment, it will feel good to let out all your anger and frustration. In the aftermath of your explosive outburst and your fiery arguments, however, you and your partner will probably be very miserable.

Finally, if you have done everything – reined in your temper, held your peace and argued only about important things – yet you still kept on arguing, perhaps it’s time to reflect on why you’re still in that relationship in the first place. Perhaps it’s time to talk about cutting losses and abandoning ship?

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leeches leech mehdi leeches therapy Secrets to a Happy, Healthy Relationship by mehdi jaffari

Secrets to a Happy, Healthy Relationship

Asking couples what makes their relationships work will give you multiple answers to a simple question. Different strokes for different folks and all that. All the answers will make sense, but they’ll also probably be contradictory.

There Is No ONE Secret

There are a lot of theories about the perfect formula for building a healthy and happy relationship. But the fact is that there is not one perfect formula to make relationships work. Einstein’s theory of relativity explains it all – although not so much in relationship terms but towards momentum and gravitational forces.

There’s no universal truth to a happy relationship. What works for some people may not work for others. However, if you want guidance so you can make your own relationship work, here are some tips that have proven useful and effective for a lot of other couples.

Be Realistic

What couples fail to realize is that the happily ever after only happens in fairy tales. There is no happily ever after in the real world because ever after actually connotes forever, and forever is non-existent in relationships. “As long as you both shall live” is not forever, you know? It’s only as long as you both live.

It is true that no time is more exciting and exhilarating, dizzying even, than the first fluttering of a new love. Everything is perfect and no one can convince you otherwise. You see through rose-tinted spectacles and your partner’s flaws are just those cute little eccentricities he or she has. You can live with that – forever if possible. This is where the real tragedy begins.

If there’s one thing happy and healthy relationships have in common, it is the awareness and acceptance of both parties that, in relationships, there is no natural magic. There’s only magic that you make yourselves.

Check Your Perceptions

Stephen Covey had it right when he said that how you perceive things influences your attitudes and behavior. Everything you feel, everything you do, is based on your unique and relative interpretation of the world and your experiences. This is good advice, and it is extremely relevant in your personal relationships.

If you want a healthy and happy relationship, you must first do a self-check. Are your expectations realistic? Perhaps your perception is warped? Many couples, even when they are so much in love, usually fight because they can’t see eye to eye on important matters. It is usually the case that one of them – or both of them – has a twisted view of what is and should be in a relationship.

Let us suppose that a woman thinks that her man should treat her like a princess; he should never let her lift a finger nor make her hands dirty. She also believes that her man should not want any other person’s company; he should want to be with her more than with his football-fanatic friends during Super Bowl Sunday. So in a nutshell, she wants to be treated like a princess in fairy tales, she wants to be pampered and spoiled. However, she also demands that she be treated like a woman who knows her own mind, that she be consulted in important decisions, that she be taken seriously when she decides she wants to run her own business.

Now that’s an unreal view of reality – a perception as unreasonable as wanting to keep your cake and eat it too. If this woman in our example does not realize the inconsistency in such a “theory,” she’ll always be unhappy and unable to find that one man who will make her dream relationship come true.

You must do the same and check your beliefs. Whenever you get angry at your partner for doing something, take a moment to analyze why you are angry and evaluate whether your basis for your anger – your perception or own theory about what should be in your partner and your relationship – is rational and consistent with your other beliefs and your expressed opinions. Consider this and tell me if this does not reek of inconsistency: a woman maintains that she must be treated like an equal, yet she gets angry when her date splits the tab.

When the Going Gets Tough

There is a time in every relationship when the cute little eccentricities of your partner will become huge annoyances that you feel you really can’t handle. Now, you may want nothing more than to spend every waking hour with your partner, but believe me, a time will come when you can’t wait to kick your partner out so you can have a little peace and quiet and a little time to yourself. A time will come when you will no longer be able to see anything but flaws: he does not put the toilet seat down, she does not leave my study alone, he does not help me wash the dishes, she is always asking me to wash the dishes – and on and on your long litany of complaints will go.

At this point, your rose-colored spectacles have now been completely retired and you are seeing your love in an entirely new and unflattering light. If this time comes and you and your partner are able to work it out, you have it made. You’ll be one of those lucky couples who have built a healthy and happy relationship; for if there is one thing that is common to all successful relationships, it is work. Very hard work from both parties involved.

Love isn’t all that it’s hyped up to be. It’s not all romance, starry nights, candlelit dinners, and walks on the beach. It is also full of exasperating and aggravating arguments and fights, irritating dialogues and petty nagging, sadness and lots of tears. But if you want a happy and healthy relationship, you have no choice but to work on it. Nurture it, baby it along through the rough patches, hold on and keep faith with your partner, and watch your fledgling relationship bloom before your eyes.

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Dating: Where Do You Go From Here

Dating: Where Do You Go From Here?

Dating is that part of a relationship when things are just starting to blossom and everything looks rosy. You feel good whenever you’re with your partner and you always look forward to being with him or her. In fact, you terribly miss each other when you’re not together. Before you know what’s happening, you’ve fallen madly in love with each other, you feel carefree and on top of the world.

What next? Are you willing to take your relationship to the next step? Are you going to throw caution to the wind and let nature take its course?

Couples who’ve been together for a long time are often asked what makes their relationship stay strong after all the years that they’ve been together. Three answers always come up: love, compassion and unlimited forgiveness. In relationships, make-or-break issues will crop up. This is inevitable. It is both parties’ unwillingness to give up that keeps the relationship intact despite all the cracks.

What about you? Are you willing to take all the necessary steps in order to bring your relationship to the next level? If you want to go beyond dating and have a more permanent arrangement with your partner, do you have the spirit, the strength and the endurance to hold on and stay the course even through the unlimited bumps your relationship will encounter on the road?

What Kind of Love Do You Mean?

Couples who have just recently fallen in love with each other often think that their love for one another is static. They believe they have the ‘real’ thing – whatever that is – so they will be sure to have a charmed life together.

They are naïve. Love, used in this context, is not the love that lasts. It is attraction and infatuation, perhaps more intense than the usual variety, but just as superficial nonetheless. It is devoid of the depth and commitment that you find in love that lasts.

You see, true love is a verb. When you say you “I love you” to someone, you are promising “to love” that someone. It is a commitment to “to love” another person. It is active and it implies conscious decision. What are you going to do? I am going to love him or her. No matter what happens? Yes.

When naïve people say “I am in love with you” instead, then you are basically saying that I am in love with you now, but who can tell what I’ll feel tomorrow? After all, this is the static kind of love. It is love that may or may not stand the test of time. You are in love with someone because he or she is who she is right now. If the other person is no longer the same person tomorrow that he or she is now, will you still love him or her? I don’t know.

True love is a conscious decision “to love” and cherish another individual. It is not a state of being in love. Put another way, it is a commitment and a promise to be in love for the rest of your life.

Now if you have that real, committed and abiding kind of love – the love that is a verb not the love that is a state of being – then you can take your relationship to the next level.

Reality Check

Now, you may get the impression that love is blind, just as many poets and song writers have claimed. Remember that someone who promises and commits to love another person is someone who makes this decision consciously and with his or her eyes wide open. It is the “think before you leap” kind of love, not the “fly by the seat of your pants” variety. People who do the latter should not be surprised if they crash, as they almost always do.

A commitment to love, cherish and honor each other – marriage or living together – is not something you should do lightly. Before you make the commitment, you should first make sure you know what you’re letting yourself in for.

Consider everything that will be directly affected by the change in your relationship. You will have to learn how to keep the apartment neat for the sake of your partner. Your habit of leaving unwashed clothing on the floor and picking them up only when you can no longer see the floor, not using a coaster when you put a cup of coffee on the glass-top table, not returning the toothpaste to its proper nook after use – these may have to be curbed if you don’t want petty arguments. Are you willing to do that?

Your partner will also have unreasonable (at least to you they’d seem unreasonable) demands, irritating quirks and not-so-lovable traits. You’ll have someone living in your pocket and looking over your shoulder; someone whom you have to consider in your decisions when once you only had yourself to account to. Can you live with that?

Other questions you should be asking yourself includes: will I like it if I see his or her face every morning; do I see myself growing old with him or her (corny, but true); do I see myself happy with him or her despite all the things I don’t like about him or her and despite all the things I know he or she doesn’t like about me?

All these things will have to be considered before you decide to get married or live together. And only when you can still say the words “I love you” in the way it should be meant and in the context it should be said – then and only then should you take your relationship to the next step.

Notice that this is not blind love. Your eyes are open all the time. And you choose to commit in spite all of the things you know could and would go wrong.

One Final Note

One tip for all the ladies and gents out there who are thinking about taking their relationship to the next step: make sure you like talking to your partner and hearing what he or she has to say about things even if his or her opinions do not always jive with yours. A relationship between two people who don’t have anything to talk about is a relationship doomed to fail.

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MEHDI Counsellor & Life Coach

Are you crippled by addictions in eating disorders, alcohol or drug abuse?
Is your life affected by phobias, anxiety or depression?
Do you have problems financially, in relationships or with your career?

Mehdi is an Internationally renowned Counsellor & Life Coach.  Visit www.toolsforlife-dvd.com.au and learn how you can purchase his successful dvds ‘Tools For Life’ to unlock your power and potential, master your life and control your destiny.  Mehdi teaches how you can accomplish goals and realise your true desires, turning your dreams into reality and importantly, create fulfilling relationships.

Confidentiality guaranteed.

Phone: Sydney [02] 9440 3421
Mobile: 0432 574277
Email: mehdi@toolsforlife-dvd.com.au
Email: lifeclinic@optusnet.com.au

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